I'm writing entries like fan fictions.. Sorry.

It's a director's frustration that he or she couldn't direct things when everything else ran over the place like scattered leaves in autumn. It's not that I have to control every minor detail about the flick I'm working on, it's that this movie I've been directing isn't actually going on as planned. It may be bad for my own life story to be analogous to a movie set where everything has been already laid flat on the desk. It sure is really, because our lives aren't like motion pictures. They're unpredictable, not scripted, but I believe life can be controlled.

And so much for the belief I had on my own abilities. It's being going on the wrong foot since I came back from Vermont(?). I thought this boy I'd left here in Brooklyn would be the same person I knew when I came back. But guess what? He's got a girlfriend. And it frustrated me the most because he told me he loved me before we moved. And there I was, desperately trying to win his attention for the second time when I realized he's just not that into me. He'd just be my best friend. For always, for forever. And came a knock on my head when Drama King with the bangs kissed me on in front of the doorstep which was utterly awkward yet great. Being with him just made it more complicated because his ex-girlfriend, the Queen B, she just had to be a bitch who drags down everyone into her issues, especially with Mr. Closet coward. Ah, Mr. Closet coward, Drama King's best friend. I thought he was just another demon in the face of New York, but seeing how his father treated him made me feel more pitiful for him.

It was fun, being with Drama King. He was just so good and he makes me smile. And though I always say that rich people suck, I actually enjoy those parties I even crashed at some of them. With him, it was just great. And there's no word I could use to say how much I loved him.

I may have lost control of my life when we broke up. Anyhow, I didn't even know the reason in the first place. It was just... and that's it. Even turned up more curves when he and my bestie's little sister the Rebellious One spread their affair on gossip girl. A kiss, just that. I just hated it when he came back to me and I wanted to push him away and I couldn't. I just couldn't.

This whole being with the rich thing had put a spin on my video camera. I even sneered at my best friend because he was riding a limo to a coffee shop bringing in his signature leather wallet with hundreds of dollars in it. And just weeks after, a threesome with him and his new famous actress girlfriend made me hate myself.

Then they broke up. And he turned to me saying that he loves me. I just wanted to punch him then. After all that has happened, why me?

Now I've totally lost control of my head.